I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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