someone threw a dead crab at me
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
