The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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