Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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