i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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