I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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