I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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