awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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