just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
