Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
