My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
