I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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