please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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