i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
