i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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