OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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