I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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