Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
