This is not my ceiling
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
