Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
