It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
