We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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