Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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