I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
