I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
