That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
