Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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