How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
