On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
