And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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