Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
