i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
