hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
