what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize