Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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