and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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