she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
