you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
