I want to stick my p in your. b.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
