I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
