Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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