What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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