my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
