How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
