Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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