my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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