chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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