The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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