you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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