All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
