Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
