i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
