It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
