are you still at the devil's house?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
