Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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