The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
