Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
