Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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