He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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