literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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