textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We have so much sex to catch up on
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
