Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
