I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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